UCLA - JohnLe3

Death looming

2009-03-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

Mi final is less than 12 hours away, and here I am frantically trying to memorize every piece of information I can. For some reason though, I find it enjoyable. I don't understand, I like to learn this stuff, but I'm just so lazy. If I just went to the library like once or twice a week this quarter, it would have been so much better. I am an idiot. Will I step it up next quarter and do it? Probably not.

My cousin, Jin Hee is leaving for Korea today. It was good to finally meet her. My cousins are so cool, I wish I knew them sooner. Its amazing how shes living in the same apartment as I am from the summer on out. God is pretty crazy.

I really want a netbook. But there are higher things on the priority list right now.

1)BBQ grill
2)Home Theatre Projector
3)Receiver

God please help me!!!!!!

Note to self

2009-03-13T01:13:00.000-07:00

I realized I need a girl with a similar sense of humor.

I'm at Kerchoff right now studying and not getting alot of work done but o wells. For some reason, I really enjoyed this quarter, but I guess theres no way my quarter could have been worse than last quarter so there was nowhere to go but up. Sweet deal. Silent Kerchoff soon? We shall see.

O and a random thing I was thinking of today. So when I meet a potential girl, one of the questions I'm going to ask her is, if you have to pick 5 bridesmaids right now, who would they be? If they can't answer that quick due to lack of potentials, then I think that is sad and is a bad sign.

I don't know why whenever I write in this thing its about girls. I'm so freaking girl crazy... but then again I've been single for a while, and it feels good. I guess I'm seeing more and more what I want.

So the list as of now: (this may be brutally honest but i think daniel is the only one who reads this)
1) Can't be a skank/slut
2) Can't do drugs/smoke
3) Doesn't dress sleezy
4) Isn't stupid
5) Isn't overly loud
6) Has a lot of girl friends.
7) A fellow believer heavily preferred.
8) Has a similar sense of humor as me.
9) Can get along with my friends/Passes the friend test.
10) Doesn't swear.

2009 - A New Year

2009-01-01T00:06:00.001-08:00

So its finally 2009 and im sitting here downstairs at my uncles. What are my resolutions for this year? I guess I might as well make them up right now, I dont even remember what my resolutions were last year.

#1 is easy. Have a better year than 2008. The ending of 2008 sucked nuts and I don't want that to happen again, I think from now on, I'll be taking it easy, when it comes to classes, and just life in general.

#2: No yujah, again. I kind of fell apart heading to the end of the year and need to get my head straight about what I want. Reading ¨Letting God write your love storyˆhas been helping a lot and got me back to what I should be thinking about. I've made girls too important in my life when this is obviously not the right time.

#3: Get right with myself and the man upstairs.

Time to fix things up

2008-12-23T14:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not who I thought I was.

Awaken the Dawn

2008-07-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

I remember I saw them live at Cafe Night and I couldn't help but feel like I went through some of the parts of the song.

Awaken the Dawn - Nehemiah Band

i guess the dark just seeped in
nearly threw away my life at 18 for a girlfriend
missing on destiny, all of that
wish i could turn it around but still you had my back

you trusted me when i couldn't trust myself
you spoke life to me when there was nobody else
you upheld my soul in your sovereignty
God, get me back on my feet

God awaken the dawn
Come and do what it takes to pierce the dark
Breathe new life in my heart
To persevere with endurance, keep marching on

True Friends

2008-07-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

I think I'm beginning to see who my real friends are I guess.

"Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option."

Batman

2008-07-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

Has to be the craziest movie I've ever seen. Heath Ledger was crazy. Its so sad that he died =[.

What am I?

2008-07-16T02:40:00.000-07:00

So I don't really know what I am to be honest in terms of religious affiliation. I believe myself to be a Christian, but not really a conventional one I guess. I swing radical left on some things and radical right on others. It kind of puts me in awkward spots sometimes, where I might not really agree with the rest of my Christian siblings. A lot of the things I believe in don't really have biblical backing, but I've just come to realize through life that I can't agree with certain things.

1) Abortion: I used to be for it, but now I'm heavily against. I've come to realize that it is killing potential life, and that there are alternatives to it that should be taken. Give the child a chance.

2) Death Penalty: Heavily against, I view it as killing life, something only God should be able to do.

3) Drinking/Smoking/Drugs/anything that involves it including settings that have it: Here I don't really have a set thing against drinking. Against smoking I do, because smoking cigs is just plain stupid and bad for you. For drinking I feel that if it is controlled it is fine. While we should be 21 and abide by the law first and foremost because God tells us to follow the law, I see no harm in it if its not for the purpose of getting drunk, which then it becomes a problem. I don't think its wrong, but it should be avoided. People do stupid things when they're drunk. They no longer have control over themselves. Why they would want that? I don't know. I don't see the fun in blacking out and not even remembering what happened only to wake up with a nasty hangover. How is it fun if you can't even remember it? I don't think drugs really needs an explanation.

So what do I think about people going to places where there is alcohol/heavy smoking/drugs/sexual things going on? Like alcohol, I don't think its neccessarily wrong, but it should be avoided. Going to something like that gives people an impression of you. I talked to some non-Christian friends and I asked them what they thought about Christians who go to things like that and they told me that they don't really consider them Christian. It gives Christians a bad image and makes people no longer really view us as serious about our faith. Talking to Christians here, think about all the people who look up to you, and what they would think knowing that you go to those things. You might not be doing anything bad there, but your going gives others the idea that its okay for them to go as well. And you don't know if they will be strong enough to fight the temptations that you can. And the most important thing of all is, what do you think God thinks of you going to that stuff?

4) Church: I still really don't like church. I don't know why. I feel more joy when I spend time with God alone, and at church I can't help but feel like I'm being in something commercial. I can't help but feel that people go for the wrong reasons, and I think I go for the wrong reasons as well. I go because people tell me I should be going. I understand its important, but I think church just isn't for some people, and to bash on someone for not going is wrong. People go to church once or twice a week and they think thats enough. Some people can be really different outside of the church setting and I guess it distracts me. I'm not supposed to judge, but I can't help but feel distracted at times by it, and for those reasons I feel that staying at home gives me a more clear head when spending time with God.

5) Evolution: I for one believe in evolution. We're finding more and more evidence for it, and I'm going to predict that its going to become more and more accepted in a few decades. I think we're just interpreting the bible incorrectly.

6) Gays: I don't think it is wrong in any way. Until someone shows me that its NOT genetic, then maybe I'll change my mind, but so far what I've learned in Psychology is that everything that happens to us is due to our environment and our GENES. So I think that they're born gay, and I have no problem with them. I think its wrong how people blast them, esspecially those sign holders at UCLA... its disgusting and just shows why people hate Christians so much.

7) Sex: All I'm going to say is to save it for marriage. If you want to know more, then just ask me.

7.5) Dating: I think it's wrong to date without the intention of getting married.

8) The Christian Bubble: The worst thing about hanging out with only Christian people is that you become sucked in, and you tend to just hang out with the people from your church or fellowship or whatevers. They never hang out with non-Christians which I think is ironic. I think a dangerous thing though, is when people hang out with non-Christians, and then they act differently in order to fit in I guess. They make jokes that they would never make at Church or around their other friends, and just act in ways that they normally wouldn't. But then again, I guess that could be the "real you" and how you act with Christian friends is just courtesy to them. I guess that's why sometimes its easier for me to talk with my non-Christian friends, because I know that the person I'm talking to is the real them. I try to watch out for myself from this, because I know it happens.

9) Spiritual gifts/Being Possessed: I don't believe it. And I doubt I will, unless it happens to me. I think that stuff disappeared as Jesus left, but I do believe that the holy spirit lies within us when we truly become saved in Christ.

10) Calvinism/Arminiasm: I have to say that I am pretty against Calvinism. To know that God picks who will be saved and not? I don't buy that at all. God wouldn't leave people behind, which is why I think we'll all become saved in the end. God extended out an invitation to everyone through the sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ, and it is up to us to accept that invitation. The only thing I don't like about Arminiasm is that you can fall away from God and become a non-Christian again, but I don't think that is true. If you truly accepted God, then you will forever have a connection with him, and so if you do fall away, you were accepted him in the first place.
_____________________________________________________________

Its weird because I viewed things so differently just a year ago, and I know for sure that some of the things I believe now will probably change in a few years. Anyways this is just a record for me to remember the things I believed in at a certain period of my life.

Stupid

2008-07-15T01:30:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty screwed for my midterm.

Arguing about things within Christianity, especially when its about such petty things about alcohol/other stuff is so stupid and is a waste of time. People know the right answer, they're just not willing to live with it.

I think drinking in limited quantities is fine, but if I was a small group leader or something does that mean I would do it? No, because then I would be a bad influence, especially on my small group kids. I think its sad when people try to hide a secret life or keep it on the low down. They remove pictures of themselves, don't add certain people on facebook because they know them from church or something. People need to stop wavering with whats right and wrong and pick a side. Either the bad things that people do are acceptable and okay for us to do, or its not. Pick a side and don't just nitpick certain things. It should be all or nothing. Be responsible, especially if you're in a position where people look up to you.

But then again, I guess I don't really fall into all or nothing either. Something thats always bothered me about the Republican party is:
How is abortion not right yet the death penalty is?
That makes no sense to me at all. So why do we say no to abortion? Because we should not have the right to kill a human being right? Who are we to decide who lives and dies right? So then why is it that we somehow deem ourselves worthy to have a death row and kill people for their past mistakes? It doesn't matter what they did, let them live out their sentence. Only God should have the power of deciding who lives and dies.

EDIT: I have no idea why I'm so bitter about everything. I hope its just a phase I'm going through.

Lonely

2008-07-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

My chem lab midterm is tomorrow and I probably shouldn't be wasting time writing in this right now but hey, story of my life, getting no work done.

These days I have been feeling SO lonely. I don't know why. Will is listening to some like crazy opera music while Joe has been knocked out on the sofa for like the past 2 hours. Nice.

I feel like looking for a girlfriend so badly, but I know I'm not ready for one. I don't know what to do. I haven't gone to church once yet this summer and I don't know why but I just don't want to hang out with Christian people right now. I feel as if, the more I hang out with them, the more faith I lose in Christianity itself. I begin to wonder, these people are so hypocritical, how hypocritical am I without realizing it? My spiritual life is dead right now. When I pick up the bible, and read it, nothing registers. I pray, but I know its not genuine. So I have no idea what to do. Chinas coming up and how lame would it be to go on a spiritual low?

And while I was in my psych class, the professor would bring up religion a little bit sometimes and he seems to be implying that the need for religion is psychological. That made me research it and nothing really came up. If that was true, then is everything out there fake? What would I do if it did turn out true? I don't know.

Some people out there are so stupid. I guess even Christian fanatics have to talk a little crap once in a while. Their fault for assuming stupid things. Swallow your pride.

Anyways, here are some goals for second year:
1) Stay in touch with people, hang out with them.
2) Find out what I truly believe. My environment (CCM, friends, church) has been influencing me too much (according to Dr. Schlimmer environment controls everything around us as we don't control anything that we do).

3) Get to know more and more people. I'm unsatisfied with how social I was first year, I want to get to know WAY more people.
4) Work in some manner. Stop being a lazy butt.
5) Get some A's! b/c I don't have very many so far.
6) The year of time management, I'm going to need it with the classes I'm taking.

I'm Sure

2008-06-30T01:30:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in my room and I was thinking
Dormals coming up so who should I be asking
I thought real long and hard
And now I think I know who

But then I began to have 2nd thoughts
Because I'm not good looking and can't dance at all
But I reckon that this is my chance
To ask you to dormal

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It can not wait, I'm sure

I'll be taking you just as a friend
And I think we'll look darn cute in the end
So won't you take a chance with me, me, me

We'll be going with the rest of CCM
A lah one big family
So won't you go to dormal with me, me, me, me, me

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
Will you go to dormal?

So.... please don't, oh please don't
say no no no
Or I will be....
Reallly emoooooooo

Haha fun times

The end of CCM - First Year

2008-06-06T03:05:00.000-07:00

It was a happy yet sad day today. Steve Chai's messages are amazing, and I can't help but feel that I am sometimes doing things out of personal gain and not for God. I need to clear my mind of distractions.

"You give and take away, you give and take away..."

I couldn't help tearing up as we sang the bridge. God in the beginning of the year provided and blessed me with the presence of the senior class. But now that the year is over, and its time to say our goodbyes, God is going to send them off to do what they were meant to. I'm sad, and from my selfishness I just want them to stay here but they are now off to bigger things. I will miss them dearly. God is wonderful, yes he is.

Girls Girls Girls

2008-06-05T03:42:00.000-07:00

Peter took us to Laureys today for our final small group outing and it was freaking delicious. I thought my stomach was going to explode.

So I called this post girls girls girls because honestly I don't know, everyone makes a big deal about who I like, whether its Rebecca, Esther, Tiffany, omgah the rumors just keep circulating more and more. I think I still haven't gotten over the past in some ways. I feel like the first appearance can be majorly deceiving and I've learned to be much more careful now about making first impressions.

I don't want to start dating some girl only to realize that she is not who I thought she was. And anyways, even if I did start dating right now, geez I'm only 19... thats pretty ridiculous, I still have 3 years of college to enjoy, do I really want a girlfriend right now? I barely have enough time as it is to hang out with the hedrick people, my floormates, and ccm friends. Factor in a girlfriend and how am I going to handle that?

I want a nice girl who isn't ashamed of herself. She needs to respect the things that she does. I don't want some two faced yujah. If she is Christian she better act that way with and without her Christian friends. She shouldn't be ashamed of anything she does, I want a genuine person not strayed by social pressures. I want someone who wants to be lead, but at the same time can help me to learn things also. I want someone who can help me to learn about God as he must be the center of our relationship to be healthy.

If she is not Christian, then she has to at least respect my beliefs and understand that God will always be first in my life. She needs to be a girl who has a good set of morals however, I'm not going to go date some party animal. Sometimes I feel more comfortable with non-Christian girls as bad as it sounds. I feel like they are more genuine, that I know for sure that the person I'm talking to now is the person that they always are. They have nothing to hide. I get this genuine feeling from only a few Christian girls because I often see them act differently with other people.

One thing I learned from I Kissed Dating Goodbye was how to get into a relationship. It taught me to not be strayed by the world's definition of taking a girl out just for the fun but in respect to really show the girl that I am willing to commit into a Godly relationship in which I am looking for my marriage partner. I'm not looking for some one night stand or a date just for fun... I don't know how many girls would think the same way that I do? I already nearly made a mistake or two in college, I was seeking a relationship for the wrong reasons. I still get the physical withdrawals sometimes, and whenever I get these, it just makes me want to be in a relationship so badly. I know though that this is just sin overtaking me and that I need to resist.

God please help me to be strong. I need you right now.

And my Korean final is in about 7 hours... I am screwed haha.

How blessed am I?

2008-05-31T16:15:00.000-07:00

How blessed I am to be surrounded by so many brothers who care for me. When I think about it, I can't help but smile. God is great.

Broomballing

2008-05-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

We went broomballing tonight for fellowship after CCM. It was fun haha. Some people take the game way too seriously though they needs to chill outs!

And others leaving early just to watch the Lakers game? I thought that was kind of sad... but everyones got their own thing I guess. I was late too I guess. LA traffic is ridiculous, I can't believe it took me over an hour to get there when its like not even that far away. I guess I'll have to get used to it.

I'm prioritizing things pretty badly this quarter... hopefully I can get everything together this summer and not slack off anymore.

A New Life and with it New Problems

2008-05-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

UCLA has helped me to become a new person and I'm satisfied with the guy that I'm becoming. New friends, new ideals, and new views... But it won't stop me from forgetting my past. My friends before will forever be a part of my life and hanging out with a few of them this past Memorial Day weekend was refreshing. I miss them terribly and as much as I thought I'd never say this, I can't wait to go back home and just spend some quality time with them. God has really watched out for me in my time at UCLA helping me to avoid unnecessary relationships and sinful events. I've met a lot of good people and I have brothers to watch over me.

The old sinful self is no longer in me, but the sins I struggle with now are even more difficult. God help me in my frustrations and let me continue to honor you through the way I live and act. Let me be a loving disciple who does not cause others to stumble.

So in small group we have the three Gs that we usually talk about... I guess since this is my first post I'll do it.

God: I feel like I'm struggling at times because of school. The more I hang out with my nonchristian friends though I feel that I depend on him more. He is my rock, my shield that protects me from the sins of this world.

Grades: My grades this quarter aren't looking good so far with maybe Korean being the only exception.... sigh. O wells its just a grade of many haha.

Girls: I struggled a lot this quarter as little as I want to admit it. But I think I finally got myself under control again. This no dating thing has been really difficult but it is rewarding. I just hope that I can keep it up. God help me...